The Tomb Robber, the Psycho Killer, and the Author
by TypoNumber5
Summary: Full title: The Tomb Robber, the Psycho Killer, and the Insane Authoress -- Bakura wants to take over the world, Malik's helping him for lack of anything better to do, and I, TypoNumber5, am helping (in my own weird ways) for my own bizzare reasons.
1. Evil people obsessed with taking over th...

The Tomb Robber, the Psycho Killer, and the Insane Authoress  
  
By TypoNumber5  
  
A/N - Arghliness! has gone anti-script psycho. And I was so proud of myself when I figured out how to get underscores, too... Anyway, I have had many of my past fanfics deleted, and I do not wish to move further towards kicked-off-the-site-dom. So... I'm rewriting this fic so that it complies with the rules (even if I don't agree with them. God, are we not even allowed to practice playwriting on ?)! I'm just afraid some of the humor will be lost... oh well, I'll post the original on a different site. will let me, right?  
  
Now, please read the fic while I go download TATU's "They're Not Gonna Get Us" or whatever it's called...  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own YGO. I'm not repeating this again in the fic.  
  
Chapter 1 - Evil people obsessed with taking over the world are not polite!  
  
Yami Bakura loomed over the hordes of followers gathered before him. He glared at each of them in turn, retelling his plan; making sure he was understood by every last one of them. "...And THAT is the master plan for taking over the world!"  
  
The faces of hundreds of marshmallow peeps stared blankly back at him.  
  
The tomb robber smirked at the "army," then threw back his head and let out one of those evil villain laugh that uses too many exclamation marks, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"  
  
A wooden door behind him creaked open, and a certain golden haired Egyptian wondered in. "Hey, Bakura?" he asked. "Do you have any soda? Isis won't let me have any more sug--" he broke off as he spotted the Easter goodies set in perfect lines and covering the majority of the carpeted floor. Gleefully, he cried out "SUGAR!!" and grabbed the closet one to his foot. With much more enthusiasm than needed, he bit off its head.  
  
"Malik!" the other bishonen yelled. "You ate General Peepers!"  
  
The grave keeper blinked at him, shoving another peep into his mouth. "Huh?"  
  
Let's leave this odd scene for a moment and zoom on over to the third main character in this story...  
  
TypoNumber5 stomped along the sidewalk, homeward bound from school. A rant about her day flowed from her lips into the air, and was heard by none. "Stupid school with its stupid homework and its stupid students that don't know the stupid square root of the stupid number..."  
  
The brunette stopped at the intersection, waiting for a break in the cars so she could cross. After a few moments she become bored, and commenced in humming "Wild Drive" to herself. It was amazing how her humming could be more off-tune than her singing.  
  
What she failed to notice was the unusually rapid speed the cars we moving at. In fact it didn't even occur to her that she should at LEAST be able to make out how many wheels a vehicle had as it passed, and not just see a simple blur of color. We can all guess what happens next...  
  
CRAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!  
  
Typo blinked at the smoke and flames erupting from the minivan and pick-up truck in front of her. Traffic came to a standstill around the wreckage (and right in the short girl's way). Drivers emerged from cars and yelled things at each other that are not fit to record.  
  
Sigh... America these days...  
  
Typo's only thoughts: This is boring.  
  
"Maybe if I go THAT WAY," she said to herself, spinning on her heel to face the exact opposite direction of her house, "then I'll get home!"  
  
A guy leaned out of a red jeep and, being the let's-honk-at-every-girl-we- see! jerk that he was, bellowed, "SURFS UP, DUDE!!!!! GET JIGGY WITH IT LIL' MAMA!!!!!"  
  
"...Alright, that's it." TN5 told herself as she wondered down the incorrect street...  
  
Back with Malik and Bakura...  
  
The former sat in an overstuffed armchair, happily chowing down on the four- foot mound of peeps at his feet. The later was scowling at him.  
  
"You're EATING my army!" he growled.  
  
Malik shrugged. "They're just marshmallows." As if to prove a point, he ripped the head of another one with his teeth.  
  
Apparently, this was Bakura's last straw. "YOU INSULTED THE PEEPS!!! NOW YOU MUST DIE!!!" With a battle cry in some ancient language, he lunged at his old partner.  
  
A dust cloud fight ensued.  
  
Switching back to Typo....  
  
TN5 stood in the middle of a forest. The look on her face clearly read, "Um... I think I'm lost."  
  
Some where from the canopy of an evergreen floated down a rasping voice. "Go... to the riiiiiiight..."  
  
The Oblivious One peered around. "Al? Was that you?"  
  
The voice lost its rasp and turned Anzu's dub voice on helium. "Who's Al?"  
  
The explanation: "The voice in the back of my head that comes out every once in a while to demand ice water."  
  
Why would a voice want ice water? I haven't the foggiest.  
  
Another voice, sounding more like wet shoes squeaking on a tiled floor, made itself heard. "It's the voice in the back of her head!"  
  
"I can tell," the Helium Voice snapped back.  
  
"Do you think we should call that guy in the white coat who took Bob away?" A third voice, more air-escaping-from-a-balloon-like, asked. "I mean, HIS voices thought the padded room was boring but he certainly liked it..."  
  
The Wet Shoes Voice gave a half-hearted laugh. "Are you kidding?! That guy doesn't work for people like HER. Only people like US, the Rabid Chipmunks to Rule the World!!"  
  
Dramatic DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN music played. Typo blinked.  
  
"What do you mean-" she froze mid-sentence and her hair stood on end. Well... more on-end than usual. "Do you feel that?"  
  
"Feel what?"  
  
Standing on tiptoe, the girl opened her mouth wide and emitted from her lungs the loudest sound the chipmunks had ever heard. "SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
They blinked as she ran off.  
  
"...On second thought, what was the guy with the white coat's number?"  
  
With Bakura and Malik:  
  
The brawl continued. I COULD describe it, but... I don't knowing anything about fighting. And it was in the cliché cloud of dust, so all you saw was an arm or a foot once in a while.  
  
This is when Typo burst glorious through the door. She stood in the doorway: hands on hips, feet apart, and hair filled with twigs and dead leaves.  
  
"WHERE'S THE SUGAR?!!" She demanded. Scanning the room, she spotted the peep-hill. Her eyes narrowed at it and she stormed over to it. Then she raised her dirty white sneaker. "DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She cried as she began stomping on the inflated sugar.  
  
Bakura and Malik stopped their fight.  
  
"You're killing my army!" and "You're killing my sugar!" where yelled as the two Egyptians tackle the younger girl. She was knocked off her feet and pinned facedown in the sea of soiled marshmallows.  
  
"NOOOO!! Must... destroy... evil... peeps..." She gasped and grabbed one, burying her sharp nails in it.  
  
Malik stood up and glared at her. "What do you have against my snack?"  
  
As she and Bakura also got to their feet, she replied, "Well..."  
  
!--FLASHBACK--!  
  
TN5 was flopped casually over her parent's bed. She scribbled furiously on her paper, pausing every few moments to check the textbook she was leaning on for the next question. Yep, homework sucked.  
  
A blue Peep-Bunny crawled over the folds in the rose-patterned bedspread and began hitting Typo with a daisy. She looked down at it. It kept hitting her. She blinked. It kept hitting her. She ate it. A giant 40-foot 346734562361346-pound peep destroyed her house.  
  
The authoress turned her face to the sky. Sitting in the middle of the ruins of her house with half-done Social Studies homework at her side, she spoke, "I wonder if (insert teacher's name here) will except this as an excuse for not doing homework..."  
  
!--END FLASHBACK--!  
  
"...And he didn't! So not only was I stuck living in a trashcan, but I had make-up work!" She shook Bakura. "MAKE-UP WORK!!!!!"  
  
Bakura, still being shaken, looked down at TN5 like one would look at a McDonalds Employee that brought food to your table instead of making you wait around the counter. "Well... erm... that was an interesting story." He dislodged her fingers from his shirtsleeves. "Will you go away now?"  
  
Stepping back and replacing her hands on her hips, she answered. "No. I want to know why you two are sitting in the middle of a shack built in an underwater cave surrounded by an electric fence with peeps all around you."  
  
The Thief King glared back at her. "That is top-secret informa-"  
  
"Oh!" She cut him off, gazing tentatively at the wall behind him. "So you're plotting world domination?"  
  
Bakura glare intensified. "How did you know?!"  
  
Malik at this time to intervene. "Um, Bakura?" He pointed to the wall TN5 had been staring at.  
  
"Welcome to Bakura's secret hide out. Please go away now so he can have quiet as he plots world domination with his almighty army of marshmallow peeps," a giant white banner read proudly.  
  
Bakura sweat dropped. "Oh..." Frowning at the banner he muttered, "I knew I should have gone with, 'Leave now or DIE!!!!' But nooooooo... Ryou wanted it to be POLITE." The muttering turned to a rant about how evil people obsessed with taking over the world are not supposed to be polite.  
  
Malik and TN5 stared at him. "Um..."  
  
Then, the impossible happened. Typo had an idea!  
  
"Hey!" She exclaimed brightly. "Can I help with world domination?"  
  
Malik glanced sideways at her. "Why do you want to help?"  
  
The reply, in thought: "Because if I act stupid enough then I can trick the into helping me own YGO and when I own YGO, I'll own THEM and if I own THEM I'll own the WORLD!! FWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"  
  
The reply, out loud: "I have no life."  
  
Malik thought a moment. "Well, since I ate most of Bakura's army I guess you could-"  
  
"NO!" Bakura cut in. "I will NOT be helped by a stupid weak GIRL in taking over the world."  
  
Typo wrinkled her brown at him. "What do have against women?"  
  
!--FLASHBACK--!  
  
The scene showed a chibi Bakura drawing figures in the sand with a stick. Smiling at his handing work, he grinned at his friend, who smiled back.  
  
An older girl ran across the picture, ruining it forever.  
  
Chibi Bakura blinked. "Damn."  
  
!--END FLASHBACK--!  
  
The tomb robber was scowling at the memory. "I hated her from then on, that little skank..."  
  
Malik gave Bakura an "I'd-tell-you-you're-completely-wacko-but-I-hate- hypocrites look as Typo rushed forward and hugged the much taller bishie to the best of her abilities.  
  
" Aaaaawww!!!! You were such a cute little chibi!" she chirped.  
  
Bakura, looking thoroughly disgusted, roughly pushed her away and growled, "I'm not cute anymore, you stupid girl."  
  
Brushing her shirt off, TN5 continued her pestering. "So can I help you in your quest for world domination?" She blinked up at him with her abnormal big, brown eyes.  
  
He sneered at her, "If you never hug me again, than yes."  
  
Typo looked almost hurt. "Never again?"  
  
"Never."  
  
"What about in other fics?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Reviews?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Bizarre dreams I've been having about Yugi trying to steal my shoes?"  
  
"No."  
  
"PLEEEASE!!! Make it just for this fic!!" She widened her eyes to impossible measure and stuck her lip out pathetically in cwute wittle chibi fashion.  
  
Bakura, looking a bit weirded out, scooted away from her. "Alright! You can help me take over the world as long as you don't hug me again through out this fic and NEVER MAKE THAT FACE AGAIN."  
  
The brunette immediately brightened and beamed at him. "'Kay!"  
  
Malik, who had been watching with a bit of an amused smile, sighed.  
  
Grabbing her two new (and unwilling) comrades by the arms, Typo made a futile attempt to drag them at of the "secret hideout." "Let's go!"  
  
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Right. So there's the first chapter rewritten... I have no idea how long that took, but I want to finish redoing this all by the start of school... Well, I guess that's impossible for someone as lazy as me, but if I don't get chapter 2 up in three days, can someone please send me an email typed in all caps?  
  
Also, if you reviewed the first chapter for the original... you won't be able to leave a signed review for this. I think.  
  
--This chapter reads on a fourth grade level and has a reading ease of 80.2. O.o;; 


	2. NOTE

'Ello, people. Typo here, and I have an announcement to make.

It has happened. I have become bored with this fic. Perhaps if I didn't have the task of rewriting thirteen (or is it twelve?) chapters before starting anything new, I might be more willing to continue. But alas, I simply do not find any joy in rewriting previously written dribble. Besides, I feel like a Mary Sue… T.T

So, I give you a proposition. I can either discontinue this thing or keep going with a different plot (with a few recycled jokes, of course.) It will probably center around Malik and Bakura trying to get rid of me…

So, review and give me your opinion. (No, this is NOT some dastardly ploy to get more reviews.)


End file.
